Lost In The Deep Dark Night

As dark as it gets…He will lead you out of the dark and the beauty and fullness of His light is so bright and beautiful, once your out of the first blaze, you will treasure Him always above everything on earth. Nothing will stand between your soul and Him again. Sin will try but it will never withstand the power of the heat of His love for you. The key to getting out, is to never stop asking our Lord Jesus Christ, through the Holy Spirit and all His Saints, to guide you out, through prayer, attending mass, confession, and ALL things “Holy”. Once you stop and assume you can find your own way out, you will be eaten alive. The evil one will grab you by your neck in his teeth and shake you until all life is gone. Only because God allows him to because you “Chose” to let him, rather then “Choosing” God and His fullness.

I don’t want to write about this today. There is so much here, that I have not written about yet. After attending mass this morning and hearing today’s first reading, I am filled with so much hope at what I am about to write will somehow help the most lost souls in the deepest darkness and help them to understand, no matter where you are, even when you do not know, God always knows and is there with you. The evil one will try to mask God being with you. Don’t let him. This is the test of faith. When you will hear in your heart from our Lord, “Where are you? What is this that you have done?” He always knows where you are. He is asking you if you know. Be truthful always. His mercy is endless.

In June of 2002, a month before the one year anniversary of my rape, I to cried out to our Lord, to forgive me, to have mercy on me. Alone in one years time, after I was raped, I lost my home, I lost my job, I could no longer take care of my child and had her live with my sister, I was about to lose my mother to cancer, and this world had me convinced, at that time, I was mentally ill because of my faith in Jesus Christ. I could not laugh, cry, hurt, love, just sit there or even be human, without someone asking me if I was taking my “Medication”.I was cut off from worldly possessions and any ties to the people in my life who did not understand our Lord was truly calling me to come back home to Him. I had not yet had times with religious people to speak with concerning my faith. At this time, I hadn’t yet reached out to the Church fully. The Catholic church I was just getting comfortable in, was forty-five miles away by the home I had just lost, and I was told that if I brought myself to a priest at the church of my family, I would bring shame to everyone. In their minds, I was crazy and just needed more medication. I allowed myself to become cut off, by the words and actions of others, cut off from the Church that fed me, and gave me life giving water, my only hope and joy in this world.

I FORGIVE THEM! I hope they can forgive me. I do not expect anyone to understand things that happen between God and a soul. The personal relationship God has with the soul is as individual as the scientific DNA of a human person. He brings TOGETHER all individualistic souls, to complete fullness in ONE BODY, through His Bride, the Church. I DO expect non believers to trust in Him. To place their faith in Him. To learn His ways. Do NOT follow my lack of faith in Him. I was truly crazy this day. I was giving into the evil one. There is no justification for doing this. Despair had taken over.

Before I cried out to our Lord, in what I only now know I was going through for a few years, as my first “Dark Night Of The Soul”, in anger and complete disobedience to God, believing what THIS WORLD thought, I swallowed 230 pills. Immediately after, I broke down and told God I was sorry. I didn’t want to do it. I left my parents home, where I had done this and started walking. Walking anywhere away from there. I had brought so much shame as it was to my family, and to God, I just started walking and begging God for mercy and forgiveness. It was a VERY quiet day. I couldn’t hear a thing. No birds chirping, no wind, no traffic, not another human being in site. No cars driving by as I was walking. I turned a corner and a Hispanic man was in the distance walking towards me. I was sobbing harder the closer he came. I looked at him and told him what I had done. I broke down uncontrollably as he walked with me, never leaving my side, guiding my steps blocks away to a phone. He called 911 to get me help and a family member. He stayed with me and refused to leave my side. He kept me awake as I started to fall asleep. He cried with me at a point. When my family member got there, they refused to believe I did this and told the man and a police officer they were bring me home, that I was just crazy. This man helping me, said NO! I began to lose consciousness.

I woke up in ICU at the local hospital. The VERY FIRST WORDS out of my mouth were praise & GLORY and THANKSGIVING to God for ALLOWING me to live! My mother came to see me in her frail state. She didn’t have much to say to me for doing this unthinkable act. She handed me a piece of paper with a phone number on it. It was to the man who helped me. She wanted me to thank him. She was afraid to tell me his name at first, but when she did, it was as if the world stopped. His name was Jesus.

I called him and thanked him. We became good friends until I left Chicago. I also call on Jesus Christ EVERY DAY, and thank Him. Lord Forgive me for my selfish past…It is only through You that I have a future with You.

I have to end this here.. The world I now live in, because of the LOVE, MERCY and FORGIVENESS of our Lord is a different place now. I did die that day. That selfish person no longer exists. I can only live in this world through Him.

Need help? call 911 IMMEDIATELY
After you receive help for your body, IMMEDIATELY Call a Catholic Priest! Confess the sins that seek to destroy you and cut your life short which are trying to convince you there is no way out. There is an EXIT from where you are now in this life and His name is Jesus Christ.


Pray for the souls in purgatory, who didn’t get the second chance, that I was given.

7 responses to “Lost In The Deep Dark Night”

  1. Reblogged this on Peg Pondering Again and commented:

    The death of Robin Williams is tragic. I see many now talking about how we can’t call suicide a “selfish act.” Being a survivor myself, by the grace of God, I will always call it selfish. We can never lose sight of God in this life. When we do, life does become hopeless. As without God, there is no hope. This does not mean I believe for a second all souls who commit this act are in hell. It means that we can NEVER lose sight of the mercy of God, no matter how “hopeless” everything may seem. Eternal rest grant unto them O Lord and let your perpetual light shine upon them. May they and all the holy souls in purgatory rest in peace. Amen


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