I just broke into tears because I read something that I have been going through since 1998. I have NEVER been able to place it into this paragraph that has capture the essence of it all.
From the article: All Sin Is Disgusting
“If you want a truly Lenten experience, then pray earnestly that the Holy Spirit will reveal to you the damage that your sins have done. And then hold onto your butts, because it’s going to be a horrible ride. Don’t forget to pray for hope and healing at the same time, nothing hurts more than looking your own guilt in the face.”
It is a horrible ride. A very SLOW walk through purgatory. The ONLY THING that has kept my sanity throughout my entire experience is KNOWING it is REAL and so builds my faith and LOVE for Christ and I can only hold onto the mercy of God and pray continually.
Every second I am alive is spent in constant repentance leaving self behind, thinking only of others.
EDIT TO ADD:
It truly is: “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” A blessing in disguise
At least while I am here, I get reprieve! I can SEE His grace at work. I can see it in the Church! I can see Him in EVERYTHING! When the reprieves come, its a beautiful peace. Its a constant ride that doesn’t end until He says “It is finished”.
From the agony in the Garden: “”My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” he said to them. “Stay here and keep watch.” Mark 14:34
Who ever said He only calls me at midnight wasn’t kidding. Usually He lets me sleep until way after Two AM. In this case, He is “The Friend At Midnight”
As I was woken up, I was compelled to write this. Mind you it is still just 1:30 AM.
A day or so ago, while in deep prayer, I heard that little voice inside ask, What kind of instrument would you be? It was reverting back to a LONG time ago, before I knew what that was. And to be honest, I had to chuckle a bit, because back in the day before my conversion began, the answer I would have given and have, would be make me a drum.
As I look back through the pages to where I am now, that little voice waking me this morning put the pieces together and the Fisherman’s lure seems to be the answer.
“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will make you fishers of men.” Matthew 4:19
He created this lure. Hammering it until its just right. Bending it into place. He placed His treble hook in her and tied His line to her. He cast her to the furthest reaches of the abyss. She drifted where every type of sin took a bite from her and the waters were filth of mortal sin. After time, He reeled her back in, slowly. Bring her back to be cleaned off, then placed back into the tackle box. Its not the lures job to know the amount of fish caught, for only the Fisherman knows that.
I am overwhelmed by the thought of our Holy Mother, not only at the foot of her Son’s cross, but knowing about the scourging taking place. Seeing Him carry that heavy cross. Knowing He was on the route to death, before the revelation of the Glory.
My God, did I do this to my son, simply by saying yes.
I assume she could not know of the events, even being asked beforehand by the Archangel Gabriel, until seconds after they were taking place. As she kept everything in her heart. I can only see the burden of her yes, resting so heavenly on her Immaculate heart, that it could only want to break.
Sister Lisa has a WONDERFUL post over at her blog, that should be read and pondered. Passion of Christ and Mary’s Role