Nescivi


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“Before I knew it, my desire had made me the blessed one of the prince’s people.” –  Song of Solomon 6:12

Desire. What is it that you desire?

“Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

It is You O Lord and my God alone, in whom my heart, mind and body desires.

Agape and eros

Many years, further back on the journey to our Lord, for a few months, I was plagued with visions of our Lord, naked. At first I was astonished.  What sort of vision was I seeing, that would show our Lord in such a way, as not to be clothed in glory and splendor in robes of gold and a crown. I would do all I could to not see, or to not be lead to see Him in this way, because I had been battling lust, and sins of the flesh. Lust sees only the body to be used for a self serving desire. Love sees the entire person in the great light of respect. Not only respect for the other, but for self and for all.

There was a part of me, that needed to be addressed and overcome which was still not true modesty. The first thought of a “naked” Christ, was that of a very immature soul, in need of becoming mature.  I felt a need to cover His nakedness, by turning my eye and denying myself from entering into what may have gone in a direction I did not want to be taken. Was I embarrassed of Him? No. Of course not, He is our Lord and to see Him in such a way, as a friend, or as a brother, was just something that I felt a need to cover because I love Him. Our Lord was Crucified naked for the purpose of mocking Him and stripping Him of any human dignity. But what was truly revealed on the cross, was the glory of God in perfect human form. Not covered by anything to mask the Truth of His creation.

Why was I seeing our Lord in such a way, was something I had prayed about for some time. Was it a way to attract me close to Him? I think not, in one way, for the sake the attraction to our Lord is not of the flesh although He was clothed in the flesh. And that would indicate to me “lust”, and our Lord is not imperfect. Why then, should I see our Lord in this way but other than to open my mind more about Him. To reveal the humanity of Him. Once this took place, the attraction to Him intensified greatly. The distant Lord whom I had though of, whom I thought I had known, was right in front of me. I could then see with my heart, that no matter where I was, in the situations I had faced, or was going to face, He had truly been there first, my first Love, and was still there with me. It became another step in our “relationship”. Dare I say His offering to take the next step. Intimacy.

There comes a time in the spiritual life, when we need to look beyond His “nakedness”, which we see from our imperfect self and see His suffering. Where then, was this wound that needed to be addressed? It is the wound of Love.  He suffers in love for us. Just as a nurse, or a Doctor does not see the nakedness of the patient, but rather the need to care for and dress the wound. How my Lord can I attend to You?

To truly fall in love with our Lord, one must overcome many obstacles of self. Especially in regards to how we perceive our Lord as God. Do we only see Him as Divine and completely miss His humanity? If we miss His humanity, we only perceive half of the entirety of Him and our perception is skewed as we are imperfect. We look for the Conquering Lord, the Glorious Lord, but we still often miss the Suffering Lord. When we resort to be satisfied in such a way, we miss out on knowing Him, and remain in a state of only knowing of Him.

If it is True Love, nothing could sway one from the other. Think of the song, “I only have eyes for you”. Temptation comes, and  receives no reciprocation. The soul looks at temptation with disgust. It is seen for what it is, empty and an blatant attempt to damage or destroy the Lover the soul has found. Its not to say that we do not stumble, and fall, as we do. But the pain is much greater and its in an instant, that the souls looking to its Lover with the eyes of the heart in sorrow. The soul knows His Love for all. The soul thrives to return the love given by the Lover. To heal the wound she had inflicted, before the soul knew the Lover. The soul is attentive to His voice, His movements, His mannerism and regards the self and all others, as His. Unable to do a thing without Him, as His breath is breathed into our faith, and comes to life in Him, in us. The soul can not help but respond in love, because of Love, as the soul has been acknowledged by the Light that has shown on her true desire and He has revealed her desire to her.

 

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