He said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while.”
For many years, its been so beautiful to do everything He has told me. Today, He tells me, rest now, or I will make you rest.
So I rest.
Last May, I had been experiencing some pain in my back, and I had thought for sure I had ruptured a disk. I have lost the reflexes in my lower right leg, and can not feel three of the toes on my left foot. My entire left side has been experiencing numbness and loss of control over my hands. I have tremors, and bouts of electrical shocks that stop me in my tracks. My walking has changed as I limp or just drag my feet as I am now hunched over and various other wonderful things. Its difficult to brush my hair. Everything just feels so heavy and I don’t feel as if I have the strength to carry my own body on some days.
The pain that I have is a strange one. There is no position to rest in to take it away. If I stand, its there. If I sit, its there. If I lay down, its there. Rest how Lord? Ah! Rest in Him. Know, that the last 20 years journey home, has come to this. He is with me in this pain on His cross. (Psalm 139)
I had gone to see my Doctor in June, who promptly ordered an MRI & wanted to send me for physical therapy. He prescribed a steroid, and as I took the first dose, my hands opened in a way I had not seen them move for a few years. Last week, I was finally approved for the MRI and on Monday was given the results. My doctor was very somber, and mentioned to me that there was nothing he could do for me anymore. What I thought was a simple herniated disc, was actually a spine of many herniated discs, along with protruding discs in the Cervical Spine, some compromising my spinal cord, Bilateral Foraminal Stenosis, spurring, bilateral hypertrophic facet disease, levoscoliosis and multilevel degenerative spondylosis. In other words, my body is a hot mess.
How to rest in Him? Complete and total trust in Him. Allow all pain and suffering to be turned over to Him, joined in His suffering. Total abandonment to the will of God.
I have an appointment with a Nerologcal Surgeon on the Feast of the Little Flower, to see if surgery may be an option. Its a very risky procedure as the C2 through C7 seem to be the most problematic. After this, then they can address the herniated discs in my lower back, which is also compromising my spinal cord.
I’m not worried. I’m not angry. I’m not upset. I’m at peace. His peace!
My blog will continue, as I hope to post a few here & there, as this entire situation, looks like a very long rest. But I can not say for sure, until after October first.
I ask you please pray for my family, my children who are so unaware of how serious this is and for my husband, who has just now come to grips with the seriousness. It is a permanent disability.
I will continue to pray for everyone, and I ask you to please pray for me.